So this is me swallowing my pride.

Hi, feeeling a teenyweeny bit better about what happened recently. But still, that feeling is still there, unbearable hurtful feeling.

Yeah as i expected, i couldnt fall asleep last night until the sun rose up. I slept at 7.30am and my dad had to wake me up at 11pm cause my parents bought my family lunch. I was too hungry so i woke up heh. Felt better after crying and blogging all the shit that was in my head. Idk whether its a mum thing but i can sense my mum knows i wasnt feeling well last night. So she bought me a bowl of hot porridge, which i loveee to eat whenever i'm upset/sick, and it never fails to make me a little better. Thanks mum!

Didnt do much in the afternoon after my lunch. Oh i really did head to the basketball court near my place. Sat there and listened to music. My head was fully in thought, and i had to run a couple times round the court to stop me from thinking too much. Yea... It was tiring but effective. Got invited by this group of primary school people to play basketball with them, kinda fun. For that half an hour, i was carefree and really smiling.

Head back home, bathe and rotted my evening watching tv, and singing songs in my living room. Went out for dinner, only my parents and myself. Reached home at 9plus and continued watching tv. There's this taiwan drama which was funny and i find cute, shall watch the remaining episodes online some other day. Hmmm

I'm going picnic at marina barrage tmr with the bball girls. I bet there would be many many people there, and i really really hope it wont rain :( Prettyyyy please! I'm not sure whether the food we bring will be enough for everyone, plus we have a picnic mat but is too small to fit 10people. Hmmm how? OMG

I'll just see what i can do tmr, borrowed money from my mum again, to buy some snacks for the girls in case we dont have enough. Yeah so i owe my mum over hundred bucks already! Oh, i havent bought my uniform and textbooks. My homework is a big gone case! :( At least i'm done with emaths, biology and chemistry project. Yea i'm left with half of geog, ss, hist, chem papers, eng, chinese and amaths.

Audrey's coming to my place tmr morning before meeting the girls. She has been a big help for me this few days, thank youuuu. I mean, thanks for being a listening ear, and pei-ing me. We can chitchat on the phone for a longlonglong time without having no topic to talk about, yeah i love her. :) I love all the girls who asked me to cheer up! Even my dearest dawn, who knew nothing about what happened, could sense that i wasnt feeling well, so just a lovely post on facebook really made my day. :)

Anyway, idk why i'm having sleepless nights this few days. But i'm feeling tired haisssssss. I'm starting to forget to stalk you, and even if i dont stalk you for many days, i'm fine. Hmmm good thing?

I cant breathe.

Hi feeling pissed again.
HAIS FEEL SUPER FUCKED UP, sorry for being vulgur, i'm just like that when my mood isnt right.

Woke up early in the morning, though i slept like 4am last night. Yes i was thinking about the stuff i blogged in my previous post. HAIS my life's been pretty screwed this few days, make me feel superduper sad. I mean being rather alone, getting scolded etc etc. Sucky

Went to meet the sec2s at 12, started my morning training plans and did even more. Left the place at 1.50 to bathe and meet ber at school's bus stop. Then met dongyi for his kite, thank youuuu! And sorry we made you wait like 50mins :O Went valuedollar shop and ntuc to buy tibits and sushi. Train to marina barrage and picnic there. Though it rained abit, we still flew our kite after the rain stopped. It was fun running around like siaozharborrrrr. Love taking pictures, especially jumpshots! Pictures will be up soooon i hope.

Then heard the bad news from the girls, and my moooood went crashing down. Ber, its not your fault, i made the decision myself de.

HAIS, cabbed back cause i really wanted to go home early, to lie on my bed and think stuff through...

Called mrchoo and he talked to me for about half an hour! He told me to call coach, but he's rejecting my phonecalls and not replying my smses. HOW HOW HOW, mrchoo says they're making the decision tmr. FUCK SHIT, I'M SCARED. :( I mean, yeah i admit i shouldnt have missed training, but that was my first time not attending training during this holiday you know! Its just fucking unfair, i think. I missed out on one training and i'm out. Are you kidding me? Some of the girls missed quite a few trainings yet they dont get punishment like mine. WHY IS THE TREATMENT SO DIFFERENT??? I feel like crying.

You might not notice, but basketball means a lot to me, especially so this few months. I grew a passion for it. I wrote in my standby notes, basketball studies basketball studies basketball studies, instead of my emo lyrics, cause i wanna be focussed on my priorities. I missed out on just one training, and all i've put in this entire holiday is gone! Its unfair unfair unfair! I FEEL LIKE BANGING AGAINST THE FUCKING WALL NOW. Coach is ignoring me.

对于这样的态度，我是彻底的失望，绝望，甚至放弃！
If you think that basketball team is not important to you. So i dont have to treat you as important to the team too! And you just break the trust between us.

Exact words on fb, it hurts like shit. It feels like i've disappointed him a lot this time, its the 2nd time this year. I lie, also get into trouble. I say the exact truth, i'm also in deep shit. SUCKS

Just talked to xiaoting on the phone. And my beloved audrey too, for one entire hour! Thanks guys. Oh ya, thanks those who ask me to cheer me, on facebook, on twitter, on smses. I'll try, its hard though.

Would i get kicked out? I think so, cause coach really wanna put jinyi into the main twelve, she put in the same efforts as me. But she didnt let coach down, coach let her down. She might replace me i guess.
I'm always easily replaced ba...

Maybe you guys are happy i'm out of the team, mei you ren scold you le. Happy? Its just fucking unfair why ni men ke yi skip so many trainings and get into no trouble. But i skipped one, and i'm out of the team.

Coach knew ni men sometimes give excuses, but he doesnt care. But me, i said the truth, i made effort to come in the morning. But still nothing? Zzz.

Coach is online but i'm afraid to talk to him after what he posted. Nvm la, maybe you girls are better off without me. My efforts are never enough, i mean, got talent, skip training also can la. I dont give a shit about what you gonna say about me, being guailan during trainings, scolding you all in my blog, whatever whatever. Its my blog, dont come here jiu wont see what i write le what. I'm not gonna try and regain friendships, its mad tiring. I'm not gonna explain myself anymore. Nobody ever gives me a fucking chance to explain, even if they really misunderstood me. Coach is not giving me any chance, i bet the decision making would be done before i can explain myself.

Zzz i'm pissed off now, at myself mostly. You wouldnt know the feeling when everything seems like its been taken away from you. First, love then friends, then when i wanna concentrate on basketball and studies, i'm out of the team. What's next? I fail my olevel chinese ahhh? ARGHHHH.

I dont think i can sleep tonight, i havent eat my dinner yet too. My mood is fucking low, and i'm crying my shit eyes out. ARGHHH need somebody to talk to, audrey's sleeping already. :( FML, seriously. I hate people who dont cherish their life, but its hard to not hate life when everything seems so screwed. FUCK EVERYTHING LA I NEED TO LET OUT WHATEVER IS IN ME NOW.

I'm gonna soak myself in cold ice water, stay up all night thinking about countless countless of stuff. Gonna run around my house area tmr and not rest, gonna tire myself, gonna go play basketball, throw million of hoops until i twist my ankle or something. Make my back hurt like fuck, then i'll go for some checkup and realise my bone has problems. Make myself fucking sore, then i wouldnt think about anything, feel no pain. ARGHHHHHHHH

I realised how tired i am, how weak i am.

Edited stuff in previous posts cause i'm getting comments about it. LIKE WTHECK

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it.

Hello i'm in a fucking pissed mood now. I feel like scolding fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck out loud nowwwwww, zzz argh argh argh!

First, coach commented on my status say he's disappointed at me for not going training tmr. But i'm coming early tmr morning to run up and down ish alone, skipping, doing over hundred layups, shooting and underbaskets myself. I know i shouldnt have skipped training, but i already promised berr and i wanna keep that promise. Plus i really wanna go out with her, catch up and stuff. So i decided to put in extra effort by coming in the morning, and telling him i'll make up for whatever i missed during training. What more what more?! Somemore i told him the truth, exact truth that i'm going out with my friend, to marina barrage to picnic and fly kite. ARGHHHH feeling damm pissed now. Why he only say me, make me feel damm fucking sad, but dont tell off the others? Sometimes he know that the others are just making excuses to skip training but he's okay with it. I dont go for one, only one training, and he say he's very disappointed in me. Say he thought i changed, say he cannot trust me anymore. ZZZZZZZZZZ ARGHHHH kill me please.

Second, my mum has moodswings. (Guess i got this from her) She scolded me for going out almost everyday though i'm doing homework. And sometimes i'm alone outside, not with friends or whatever, totally focussed on doing my studying. I'm not going out with friends to eat expensive meals, watch movies already. And if i do so, i'm using money from my piggybank. I remembered once when i asked her for money, she yelled, FOR WHAT?! And i said lunch and dinner, she gave me 5bucks. For 2 meals? Zzz and that day i had to skip my lunch. Zzz Yes i admit i've been spending alot this month but i told her i'll return her already. I'm skipping meals, eating like 1meal per day so that i can save up to return her. Yet she's still scolding me for spending money like free one. ZZZ i wan work, my parents also dont allow. So stop saying stuff like wan spend jiu zi ji earn, dont spend their money. I wan zi ji earn, they also dont allow wattttt. ZZZ

Third, i asked my mum for money cause i needa buy jerseys for next year's bdiv. Then she say, see spend money again. I said it was for basketball. My sister commented, ni ming ming zhi dao daddy dont like you play basketball. I said he's okay already. My mum say you dont inside next year's team jiu ke yi save money le what, only know how to spend, dk how save. I SCOLDED FUCK IN MY MIND. Seriously what's wrong with them! ARGHHHHHHH.

Okay i know i know, go private blog private blog. Cause whatever i blogged with be quoted against me. P blog is the only place that i can rant out everything and not get comments saying i'm fucking judgemental. Bb

Run away this time without you.

EDITED.




















































Hi, here are the marina bay photo hunting photos from audrey's dslr. Yeah obviously these arent taken by me cause i'm the one being shot 3/4 out of everything. Hmmm

Well, is this the second time i've blogged today? I forgot. I have short term memory, but i can remember clearly when something/someone means the world to me. Anyway, wanted to do homework but FAILED. Met audrey and headed to starbucks together, talked awhile and she went to meet aloy. I did one question and my phone rang. It was ben and iris! They asked me to meet them at serangoon mac, so i packed my stuff and went there. Oh ya, iris is now sec1, used to be from mfps. I was her senior buddy when she was primary 1, i remembered helping her buy food on her first day of school. Yeah we have not met for 3years? The world is small, she knows ben and the other church peeps.

Anyway, meet them to catch up. Eugene and 2 other church guys came to study with us. And obviously it was a fail. Headed to nex arcade to play instead! Ken and weihan pop up out of nowhere to join us :) Played awhile and train to dhobby for some pool, did pretty well heheh luckyyyy! :3 Ken and weihan left off at 7plus, while the church peeps and i headed back to serangoon. Yeah i dont go to their church but oh well, made some new friends and had an awesome time! We sent iris to her bus stop, then the guys went to play bball. I didnt wanna go cause more church peeps and seniors are there, and i dont wanna get too close to thatchurch(you). No offense though!

I ate only one meal today cause i spent all my money on poooool. HUNGRY LIKE SHIT NOW, my sister is cooking boil eggs and hotdogs for me. YUMMY :3 Anyway, i have no idea what i'll be doing tmr. I guess i cant do my chem project cause i know yuxuan's going out. Hmmmmmm, ber's not free but at least i'm meeting her this wednesday! WHAT SHOULD I DO TMR? Homeworkkkkkk? Hmmmm. Iris and ben they all asked me out again but idk whether i should go. Cause as i mentioned just now, i dont wanna get too close to their church peeps. (Dw feel like i'm trying to get close to you and your friends) Well, idk what i'll be doing. Most probably blogging tmr morning to update ba!

School's starting in a few days time. 2010 is ending in a few days time too! I guess its time i put all my past behind and get prepared for 2011. I mean bdiv and olevels, my main priorities. Perhaps i should put family and friends in my top priorities as well, i dont like the feeling of being alone. Been trying to study alone in starbucks, but that feeling kinda suck big time. :C

K, i deleted 2 posts from my private blog. Guess i was too harsh? But what the heck, nobody's gonna see it. Why i delete sia? Omg what was i thinking, nvmmmmm lerrrr.

Oh berrrrrrr, canny's cute right? OMG MAD CUTE, I'M IN LOVE.