Attention: Massive moodswing, you can skip if you wan, tyvm.
I did nothing yesterday, seriously plain nothing. No exercise, no homework, no studying, i just stared and listen. Tv, ipod and internet. That's all, and i kept thinking about stuff, and started another round of self reflection. You know, i aint serious about what i am doing w my life. I have no purpose. And i know many people has been self reflecting too, too much is going on. Sometimes, you get tired of the drama, you just wanna run away from all that's happening. You wan to find a quiet place, a quiet time, to watch beautiful sunset, beautiful beaches, and th beautiful nature, and to appreciate what god has given us. I should be living my life to a greater extent. But i need someone to tell me i'm fine, and there's no reason to cry. All along, it has been you, but its all over now. I cant help anything, i dont have those abilities, to turn back time and all.
I am not perfect, i know. I make mistakes, and in my case, i have seriously made countless mistakes, but i cannot undo what i have done. But i want everyone to know i'm sorry now, truely deeply sorry. I've been reflecting on my mistakes, it is painful. I think i've told ber or jav bout this before, but i forgot who was th one who told me that th reason why it hurts so bad, is because i am disappointed in myself, and i cant forgive myself for what i've done. Yes, i do have high hopes for myself, and whenever i think of th past, my heart hurts so so badly.
Coach, i dont know whether you can treat me th same as before. In th past, we use to talk online, and i remembered smsing you for v long, v happily on father's day. Because i treat you more like a father, more than my own father. Now? I talk to you, and i get short replies, or long educational talks. Yes, i've already know my mistakes, i dont like it when ppl constantly remind me of them. Its painful i cant go to trainings, missing all th fun. And mr choo said he wouldnt put me in th team next year anymore, because of this mistake. You know it really makes me break down. I'm not naturally talented like deb, val or mel, so i try very hard during trainings. Imitating them, training so hard, trying my best not to slack, even though sometimes i am really tired, i'll still carry on. Covering up my injuries so nobody would worry bout me, and i dont ever wanna stop trainings, ever. But now? Hais. I'll always use my laughs and acting to cover up for my fears, of messing things up for bball. I remember talking to germaine frequently, about how hard both of us try for bball, and hard works we put in because we're not improving. Bball means a lot to us, even though sometimes we dont show it. I miss everyone, i'm wasting so much tears that i cant think properly, i cant rmb what i wanted to post. I just hope everything can go back to last year, all th random laughs we get. Going out to dinner with th team and coach. Going jogging, flying kite, getting coffee and everything. I dont know why everything has changed so much for me. I HATE THIS EMPTY FEELING.
And you know, i hate it when i start to lose friends. Everyone changed so much this year. Is it because many of us are in different class now? I miss laughing off with my seasons clique bout childish stuff. Creating silly names for each other, using animals to kiddingly scold each other slow. I miss all that, dawn, yaole and sweetin. I miss going out with joanne, vinita, jasmine and chungkei! My awesome girls, they always make me laugh at th littlest things, going for movies and picnic with you all are th best time ever! I miss spending recess with you guys too, and slacking at th toilet in between every single lesson! And i miss th way 1e6 and 2e6 is so enthusiastic in class events, even class chalets. I miss staying back w you people to do cny decorations and all th other stuff. Laughing like idiots in buses to field trips. I miss planning events with yaole and yuxuan. I miss coming back to school on weekends to do our sewing on those doll keychains, they're th bomb! I miss them, all those beautiful times.
I also miss spending every single day with lingen and debbie, many people say i'm blessed with th both of ue protecting me, i'm like a lil princess surrounding by two knights. I miss th times when we automatically head to each other class after each day ends, even though all of us are in diff classes. Even th times when we do nothing, just simply slacking is so fun. Basketball has been th best with you guys around, caring for even th slightest "ouch" i said. And after cca, eating dinner with you guys, buying bubbletea, and laughing our ass off. Thanks you guys for taking th bus w me even though sometimes its kind of inconvenient for you guys! You guys really made my sec 1 and 2 life awesome. I remember going out during almost every weekend! Kbox, singing our lungs out, crying bout our sad love life, and going all hyper when we sing mayday's lian ai ing. Shopping, you two always dragging me into v guyish shops to look at button ups, and quarter pants. While i'll always drag you two to girlish shops to buy skirts and boyf tees. And subway, we had countless of that! Movies, we watched so many so many, lying on both of your shoulders isnt so weird anymore, love the way you guys treat me like a little sister, because my birthday comes last! I hate it when we fight, but th longest it last is one or two days, because we'll always pretend nothing happened and still talk to each other. I love going to lingen's house to study almost every tuesday and thursday night, although its not v progressive but thanks for accompanying me to th bus stop sometimes, when its already 10plus at night. And i remember always going to deb's house to slack and play, and i had sleep over too! Deb's dad and mum always see me, i think they can treat me like a daughter alreadyz. We know each other's good and bad points, but we still love each other. Idk what happened, why did we drift apart? Its like we found new friends, its weird how much i have cried over this friendship. I just miss us so much.
And i have become so weak in studies, i used to ace homework and tests easily. Not boasting, just saying my true feelings out. I use to top main examinations, getting top 10 in class. I remember getting highest in geography for th entire level, and frequently highest in class for physics. I remember yuxuan saying that i'm academically incline and i should aim for jc instead of slacking. And belinda saying that how come i can do well even thought i keep going out to watch movie and stuff like that. But now? I've been failing many many subjects, and i'm having difficulties understanding concepts. Its very very though for me to study, i need a quiet place. But i've lost th concentration and motivation already. I got to try try try harder. I use to impress teachers, but now everyone's disappointed in me. I hate this word, disappointment. Is there something wrong being me? I really did try, its not my fault teachers dont believe me already. I wouldnt let my studies fall too badly, because i know my heart wont let me. But i hate it when teachers start to scold me and dont trust me w stuff, and always stressing me so hard. I really wan another form teacher, because mine sucks. I'm starting to hate school, really.
Okay, although this year i've met many wonderful people, like 3e3! But i still miss a lot of things. But i'm grateful i met berlinnnnn. She's th best, we're like sisters. We talk to each other bout many many things, and she knows me well at times too! I really love ya sister, i know i'm not perfect, but i also know you'll forgive me. And always comfort me, and cheer me on. Thank you sister! We havent really fight yet, but trust me, that day will come. I hope we wont drift apart, love ya.
I really really still love you, you know? A lot a lot, whenever i see you, my heart will beat faster, but you'll just ignore me. Then, my heart stops, tears and breaks into countless pieces. I've been dreaming bout you a lot recently. Many of which were you ignoring me, i dont wanna continue like this. I wanna add you on fb again, but i'm afraid of your rejection. My heart hurts so much that i feel pain that is so numb. I miss your hugs, and everything. I miss having you by my side. Even if just as a friend, i wont mind. I dont want another stranger occupying my heart. I cant say much here, its public and to protect you, i really cant say anymore. I miss you.
Zzz, my dad just called to nag. You know, i'm not living to please you. You only know how to scold and hit me. Did you really play an impt role in my life? MUM IS, NOT YOU! You always leave th country, and neglect us. You know, sometimes i see mum, all alone, sitting down, facing th window, eating her bowl of food. I wonder what she is thinking, i know how hard it is for her to raise three girl teenagers, but th three of us dont know how to express ourselves. We cannot get the three words out of our mouth, th "i love you" that we feel so deeply. But we know you're not well, you're always doing chores for us. Driving us to school early in th mornin must be tiring. I know all th hard work you have done, i'm sorry for my childish ignorance, and rudeness at times too. I got to grow up and do more with my life.
Okay, i got to cheer up soon. I slashed again, wtf. I need to go bathe and do homework. I'll have another moodswing soon, confirm. I've been sad recently, and my eyes has been quite swollen. I'll just hold back those tears, and put on a smiley face disguise tmr. Bye people, i want peace.